Stepping out of my box
So I've always been pretty private about my faith. It's not that I was ever ashamed of it, but I always felt that my way of ministering was best done by my actions. Basically my ministry catch-phrase was "Actions speak louder than words."
I was very comfortable in this role, perhaps too comfortable, and then God called me to the seminary. The conversation went something like this...
God: Katie I'm calling you to the church
Me: Seriously?
God: yes
Me: I'm not sure I'm hearing your right...you want me to go to seminary?
God: yes
Me: but why? I don't feel comfortable confronting someone about faith, if they bring it up then sure I'll start talking, but I can't just bring up faith....why in the world would you want ME to go to seminary?
God: 'cause (yes, sometimes God talks to me in Texas slang...)
Me: CAUSE? what kind of an answer is CAUSE?
God: just trust me
Me: awwww, nooooo. Don't say that. How can I argue with that???
God: exactly.
Me: grrrrrrrr....ok fine I'll go
Ok perhaps that's a little trivial but basically that's what happened. Now I've been in this seminary place for about a semester and a half and I'm still as confused as ever as to why God has placed me here. Some days I think I want to work at St. Jude's Hospital, other days I just want to live in Waco forever (i know...weird), other days I start missing my Mom and just want to move to Austin, live in Westlake, and be an awesome Mom just like her....
It's frustrating really. I like to be in control, I like to know what I'm doing with my life, and every time I try to plan out my future nothing lines up.
All that to say, I finally just questioned God. You know, one of those good "come to Jesus meetings" with....well Jesus. I asked him what I'm doing here, and to give me a sign, even a small one, just to let me know that I'm doing the right thing (well that's the shortened version of what I said).
After that I decided to go to a meeting at Truett for the Spiritual Life division of Baylor. I wasn't planning on going, but I've been searching for a campus job for this upcoming fall so I figured I might as well check it out although I had no intention of finding anything that would spark my interest.
During the meeting they started talking about the Resident Chaplains and something inside me said "here's your sign" (but not in the Bill Engvall voice that I'm sure most of you just used)
After the meeting I once again questioned God in the car...
Me: Resident Chaplaincy? Resident Chaplaincy?!?! How in the world am I qualified to do that?
God: well you don't know now do you...
Me: Well...no...but it doesn't sound like something I would be good at
God: Did you ever see yourself going to seminary before I led you there
Me: Well...no...but still. I'm getting married, I can't live in the same building as a bunch of undergraduates.
God: Just leave that up to me
Me: So is this what I'm going to do?
God: I can't tell you that yet. But you need to apply, this is a process you need to go through
Me: but why?
God: just trust me
Me: oh no, not again!
So now I'm applying to be a resident chaplain at Baylor. Steven has been so supportive (It's amazing how God not only speaks to us directly but through those who we trust).
I'm completely nervous, feel VERY out of my element; but feel like I have the support I need to try this out. In the first 12 hours I started coming up with all these different ways I could mentor to a bunch of Freshman girls. Ideas just kept on popping up in my head and all of a sudden I realized "hey...maybe I could be good at this!" Then I started freaking out and all those feeling went away...oh well. baby steps at first.
I'm excited to see where this goes (and by excited I mean more scared than I've been in a long time), but I have a feeling this next month I'm going to learn a lot about myself spiritually, which will be the breakthrough I think I've been needing for a while now.
....time to start stepping out of that box I've put myself in.
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2 comments:
Aww, I love this post.
I can just hear your dialogue, sounds just like you!
Anyway I'm praying for you. I know God has amazing things in store for the future "Murrays." You will be great at whatever He leads you to. Love you!
that was a blessing to read :-)
you are an amazing woman of God and I am encouraged by your faithfulness! I will be praying for you during this process.
also... call me when you're feeling down! We can encourage one another :-)
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